Hey there ! Just got back from Vegas. Nothing too earth shattering, the usual drinking and eating and … a show ! We saw “Zumanity” … and I feel compelled to share my thoughts.
Okay, so … Zumanity ? You know of Cirque du Soleil, right ? This one is billed as their “sensual side” and I thought it would be perfect for Rick’s Christmas trip to Vegas – hot, right ? And Cirque du Soleil … they’re uniformly awesome. Can’t go wrong there, right ? (You already know the answer to that question …)
Uh, no. The best analogy I could come up with in the last 2 days of thinking about it is …. it’s like watching Yo Yo Ma play cello without his pants on. It’s ridiculous, distracting, and totally beside the point, even if you happened to be totally into naked middle aged asian men. Zumanity was like that … there are these AMAZING dancers and acrobats and then … really ? You just took your bra off ? What for ? The whole show is narrated by a transvestite named Mistress Edie, and he/she was entertaining … she’d come out between acts and introduce the next little routine, whether it was supposed to be about romance or sex or sex or sex.
Do you feel sexy ? she kept asking. And the answer was “less and less so, every minute.”
Okay, so the opening was funny, with these two FAT lades in French maid outfits and thongs walking around in the audience feeding people strawberries, narrated by a cheezy Elvis type guy in gold lame … that whole schtick was actually funny. The “pre show” to warm up the audience. No problem there.
Then this giant …FISH BOWL … rises up from under the stage and there are two almost naked tiny Asian girls in it, writhing around in the water. G strings, no bras, naked boobs. And they are feigning this sort of lesbian thing, but mostly the acrobatics that they manage to pull off are amazing, and every so often they pretend to kiss or something, but that whole part is so CONTRIVED that it’s just stupid. I mean – the acrobatics are so amazing on their own, we don’t need lesbian nipple action, you know ?
So in this video that have tops on, for YouTube G-rated purposes, but they really perform the act topless. Why ? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWUtMsiKhmM
Then there was an AWESOME hula hoop girl who did crazy things hanging from a rope by one hand, etc. Interesting thing here – she kept her clothes on ! Her athleticism and grace were so jaw dropping … we really didn’t need any vag shots ya know ?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QIrY5vHc8KI that’s a slightly different routine that we saw this weekend … I don’t recall so much ass. Oh, and the one we saw wasn’t a strip tease at all – it was strictly her and the hoops and the rope and it was awesome. The rope part we saw was even better than that YouTube clip – she was swinging over the audience and all sorts of crazy stuff. Very cool.
Then there was a pole dancing segment (of course) and some bits of comedy mixed in (to allow for costume changes backstage, I assume) and a straight heterosexual foreplay dance kind of thing, I suppose, that was really this graceful and acrobatic dance that was supposed to be sexy because the gal was wearing lingerie, I suppose ? It was like watching pairs figure skating, where you’re amazed at what they can do, the lifts, etc and the balance … and then at the end, AGAIN with the gal removing her bra !! Even Rick was like, “What was that for ? It was an awesome routine and the flash of boob at the end was totally unnecessary and distracting.”
Now, I’ve got nothing against boobs, and I am not coming from some kind of militant feminist perspective here. I’m just saying: Yo-Yo Ma without pants !!!
Basically, you sit there kind of cringing in embarrassment for the performers. I was thinking, “Really ? 12 years of ballet training so you could dance topless in a tutu ?” I just felt BAD for them ! I think this is 3rd string Cirque, for the dancers who can’t wait to get to Ka or Mystere !
OH OH OH !!! In one routine, I kid you not, the girl has a super curly blonde wig and a matching thatch of FAKE PUBE poufing out from her skimpy bikini bottom ! A toupee ? A pube toupee ??
A poupee !!! I saw her later and confirmed that she in fact was bald as a baby bird (like all the performers) so yes, it was literally a PUBE WIG. Silly !!!
But I saved the best for last !! There was actually an AUTOEROTICA routine. Yes, I guess they wanted an excuse to use the ropes again ? So this gal is blindfolded and all tied up and at first I thought she was supposed to be tied up and held prisoner or something, and she’s now twisted up and climbing and entangled (very gracefully and on purpose) in the ropes, and she starts with this “Aaaaaahhh !! Ooooo. MMmmmm …. Aaaahhh !” moaning that is SUPPOSED to be sexy and IS NOT. AT. ALL. I couldn’t even look at Rick because we would have burst out laughing. Seriously ? Then she pretended to wrap the ropes around her neck and choke herself (Google “autoerotica” if you need help with this one – but NOT at work, duh. And Mom, this does not apply to you. Tra la la la … ignore this !) and I was like, “Oh, no, you have GOT to be kidding me.”
Funny story: it turns out that Rick had already seen this show, so he kind of knew what he was in for. Several years ago when he was in Vegas with his Dad and his 2 uncles, they were outside the half price ticket booth in the Forum Shops and they bought 4 tickets for $100 off some guy who couldn’t use them. They thought “it’s Cirque du Soleil, how bad can it be ??” and they went. So as they are all sitting there slack jawed in shock … and then the auroerotica routine starts and Rick’s dad leans over and says, “What the fuck is she doing ?” (Yes, his dad uses te F-word. Liberally.) and Rick has to explain TO HIS DAD about this whole “choking out” thing. And his Dad is like “Why the hell would anyone want to do THAT ?” They all ended up laughing about it and Rick said the rest of the entire weekend his Dad kept asking, “So, do you feel sexy ?” (because that’s something that Mistress Edie likes to ask during the show. The answer was “Uh, not so much” every time, at least for me.)
I felt FAT (tiny tiny dancers !!! Naked size zeros prancing around for 90 minutes !!) and ASEXUAL after that. I mean, I just watched a dozen size zero athletes beat the dead horse of sexy onstage for 90 minutes !! We went and ate pizza and then went straight to bed. It would have just been EMBARRASSING to even try !
*I cringe now to think of all the hits I am going to get on this post, with all the Internet pervs out there searching for “autoerotica” and “boobs.” Oh well.
